Scared

I'm scared. I'm scared that things change again for the worse. You see, I used to be on the pill for about two and a half years and I felt myself change. I lost interest in many things, mainly anime and yaoi.

But in the beginning of September I stopped taking it, and just a couple of weeks later I felt the difference. I started reading fanfiction again, adopted a new fandom, caught up with Naruto (didn't watch it for 2 years, the fillers didn't help either) and even read the manga, I wrote more of the script of my own manga, I even started writing fanfiction! (I never finished a fanfic in my life, but these I'm writing have a big chance) I basically went back to my old self.

However, today I started taking the pill again, and I'm scared that history will repeat itself. It's a different pill, though, I'm testing around to see if this one doesn't change me. If it does, I'll try a different one. But this could mean that my fanfictions won't be finished after all, at least not anytime soon, while I adjust.

At least this new gynecologist I went to today is a lot better than my previous two. The bad thing is that I'm going to lose my health insurance in January, so it's going to be a lot more expensive from now on. The reason I'm losing it is because I quit college and I am not currently studying. It's the government's health insurance for public servants and I had it because I was considered dependent on my mother, who is a teacher in the public school system. But now I'm not studying and I don't have a decent job either, so yeah, I'm scared. I'm neither dependent nor independent. I'm just in trouble.

Two days ago I went to see another doctor, my plastic surgeon, a brilliant man with a great sense of humour, a man I respect, a role model. I've known him since I was 15 years old, 6 years ago. I was born with one less boob, so he built one for me. :P He operated on me when I was 18, and then at 20 last May. He asked how I was doing in college. And I told him I had quit. He said he was disappointed and sad, that he didn't understand young people nowadays (he has two kids with about the same age as me), that we think life is easy.

He wasn't mean, he meant well. But hearing this from him, especially him, hurt like hell. I cried silently on the way back home on the back seat of the car, mom was driving and brother sitting in the front. It was a wake up call. I needed to hear this again, I know it, but it was still painful. I cried some more at home, but not nearly enough as I would've a few months ago. I guess I either grew up just a bit or I became desensitized about my life. I sincerely hope it's not the latter.

I don't like the way my life is right now, that's for sure. I have a lot of growing up to do and to take responsibility for myself. The fact that I'm a bit antisocial doesn't help me one bit in getting a job, but I guess that's just me making excuses and I need to stop doing that.

And fucking Christmas doesn't help either. -_- It's just a constant reminder that I'm useless because I never know what to give people. No matter how long I've known someone, I never know what they want. Except for my brother and my boyfriend. This probably means I'm selfish, that I don't listen to others. Damn, huh? Yeah.

I really should stop making excuses right now. Yeah, I'm done.